Sitting on a Beach

I am sitting on a beach, the wind blows my hair all about. I can feel the first rays of sunshine warming my shoulders, kind of like a hug from an invisible angel. There is no-one here but me, I'm alone and sad, but can not help smiling at the sight of an endless horizon and the insignificance of me in this vast mysterious universe overwhelms every other thought in my head, but only for a moment before I wonder, who am I? Does my existence make any difference? I am really like a grain of sand in the Sahara desert while my spirit resides in this body. I am all bent over, trapped in a thought, a familiar regular thought. I worry so much about what people think of me and because I think so little of myself, who in this world would care? Hell I don't care most days. I wake up most mornings and wish for endless sleep, anything except for the harsh reality of my life. This reality jolts me into despair, despair over unanswered prayers, bills I struggle to pay, despair of yearning to be a Mother to my child. How my stomach churns and my chest aches over missing him, loving him, then I turn to detesting myself, how pathetic I am, how weak I must surely be and why can I not pull myself up of this pit and fix all the dumb things I may or may not of done or said. So many problems to solve and so few, if any, answers.  A solution seems unattainable to me. I plead with God and the power of the universe to help me, please help me as I can't stand this or me anymore. If I weren't so pathetic at this moment I may laugh at the effort it took me to get up out of bed this morning! But it is that whining voice in my head that tells me I am worthless, ugly and totally unlovable that is the hardest to ignore when planning on how to "fake" my way through another day. To get up and face those that do not know me is the first hurdle of many I find, so I walk to the beach where there is usually peace to be found. But in my mind I run - away from smoke and mirrors, away from the judgement that plagues my journey. I am free to be silently anonymous in a loud lonely place, to hide in the shadows where my pain and shame are invisible to everyone but me. I sit on a beach where the sun is getting too hot and people are appearing to the front, back and side of me and suddenly it is not me alone anymore but lonely all the same... no-one knows me, no-one knows my name.

I cannot believe how sad and lonely I once was and the times I almost gave in to dark thoughts. It makes me all the more grateful for finding you and the many great reasons to get out of bed each day. This was how my days were all the time back then, when hope was vague and I didn't know how to help myself. What a journey it has been for me to arrive at your side my love. They say it's not the destination that counts but more importantly the journey, and what a journey it has been! There is still judgement and there is residual pain, but there is real hope now, in part because of you. Thank God for you my Love.

Wendy D Phelan - (Written 2003)

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