Edith's Hefty Handbag

Edith had been suffering from shoulder pain
She'd developed a stoop and only her left shoulder would sag
When she went to see her doctor
He put all the blame on her weighty handbag

One afternoon she had time to spare
So she decided to empty it out
Anything that wasn’t essential
She would leave it out, without a doubt

When she tipped it out on the table
She got the shock of her life
The numerous items were too many to mention
No wonder shoulder pain was causing her strife

Firstly, there was a packet of extra strong mints
That she’d been given by a friend
The best before date was twelve months ago
The packet had been left open at one end

She was rather partial to a mint
So she thought she’d try her luck
But the minty taste was no longer there
So she spat it out after a single suck

Next she found a mirror
With a picture of Marilyn Monroe on the back
She held it up to look into it
Her reflection was fractured by a diagonal hairline crack

She’d bought it several years ago
At a local jumble sale
First time she’d prised it open
She’d broken a false nail

Her cellphone had seen better days
She’d bought it for a tenner off her friend Sherry
Sherry had bought the latest i-phone
So she’d sold Edith her dated Blackberry

A make-up kit with brushes
Had really seen better days
The brushes were missing half their bristles
And the orange powder harked back to her ‘Tangoed’ phase

She has quite a few credit cards
Including Barclaycard, Visa and American Express
With only stubs left in her cheque book
She’s spending more instead of less

There’s an assortment of loose change
Two and one pound coins and pence
If she pays her bus fare with too much
She knows the driver will take offense

She has a lipstick-shaped cigarette lighter
That someone gave her for a joke
She just keeps it as a souvenir
Because she doesn't smoke

There’s a USB drive, mp3 player
 and scrunchies for her hair
Tissues, gum and diary 
she didn’t know were there

Then there’s sunglasses, lipstick 
and numerous feet of dental floss
Hand sanitizer, address book, medication
And a bottle of perfume she got from her ex-boss

Edith looks at the table-full
And only puts essentials back in her bag
The bag feels so much lighter
No longer will her shoulder sag

She went out for a walk the following day
No more pain in her shoulder
Her neighbour noticed the spring in her step
"“I've de-cluttered my handbag"” she told her

Tags: humor, rhyme,