Every town, village and city Has a certain place I’d call the hub I think you’ll know where I mean Some call it a tavern, an inn or a pub You’ll find so many characters Whether the place is familiar to you So I thought I’d spend some time And describe a few to you Firstly, we have the regular You can set your clock by him If one day he misses a visit Everybody is worried about him He sits in the same seat And drinks the same thing every time A double whisky chaser And four pints of lager and lime Next we have the walking encyclopaedia A mine of information If you check his facts on Wikipedia It’ll cause him much frustration Don't try to contradict him Because he thinks he’s always right He has a friend who takes him home When there’s an inkling he'll get in a fight There's that guy in every pub Who can’t seem to be found When it is the time For him to buy a round He’ll turn up when the round's been bought And says he’s sorry he missed his turn Then makes sure his turn is at last orders When will his friends ever learn? Then we have the smoker Who goes outside to have a smoke Gets his mate, a non-smoker To keep an eye on his drinks and his coat There’s always one clumsy person Who’ll barge into you so you spill your drink Then they go merrily on their way Before you’ve had time to think You stand there on the spot Alcohol dripping from your sleeve Then the perpetrator bumps into someone else And they’re politely asked to leave Some days you’re in the pub And end up bumping into your boss You’ve phoned in sick that morning And for excuses you're at a loss Your boss asks for an explanation On how quickly you’ve recovered Your face is red with embarrassment Because you've been discovered A group of yuppies turn up at lunchtime Boasting of how much money they’ve got Then loiter at the bar While the barmaid pours out a shot Sometimes they just have one each But other days they’re there for hours Taking turns wolfing down Small shots of cherry flavoured Sourz Odd times the pub will get a customer Who asks for the best champagne Then he settles for sparkling Perry Because the high prices make him complain Sitting tucked away in the corner Is an elderly gent called James He’s known the pub have ten different landlords And five different pub names He still pays the old pub prices Because he’s been going in for years He’s almost part of the furniture He likes to try the new craft beers Oft times the pub gets drinkers Who are clearly under-age So the one who orders drinks Is barely old enough to shave The barmaid asks them for I.D. They walk away and slink outside The oldest shrugs his shoulders And says “"At least I tried"†A woman who’s a regular Says her energy bills have got higher So she goes into the pub for three hours a day And gets warm on the open log fire The landlord sees people from all walks of life In his pub everyday They are colourful characters that light up the pub He wouldn’t wish them any other way So next time you visit your local pub You never know who you might see By the way, the person sat in the corner, writing away, Yes, that’s me!