Leonard Mington's Father
(Hmm, some formatting problem in the title block - no matter really methinks)
Although the British Royal Mail quite rightly pride themselves on successfully delivering the most obscurely / incompletely addressed letters and parcels, (‘Mavis – Walthamstow – or might have moved to Uzebekistan’), occasionally however, due to circumstances totally and utterly beyond their control they can do nothing but admit defeat. Read on. . . .
Leonard Mington’s Father
Alfred Mington is my name, I live in Aberdeen,
but a long time now my fan mail,
it is nowhere to be seen.
Oh yes, I’m famous, don’t you know?
Old star of screen and stage.
But years pass by, before you know,
you reach a grand old age.
Up and coming starlets
push us fogies out the way;
but who’d have thought that my own son,
would make me turn more grey.
Leonard Mington is his name,
has fan clubs by the dozen,
while I just have my agent,
she’s my very aged cousin.
(‘Shhh now readers, quiet now,
tis cousin Rose McQuade;
he’s not had mail for decades,
I just say it’s all mislaid.’)
I didn’t think things could get worse,
my fan mail gone astray.
But then a call from England,
it did really spoil my day.
‘Are you Leonard Mington’s father?’
asked the voice from down the line.
‘Yes, that’s me,’ I did reply,
‘what’s Leo done this time?’
‘Nowt I know,’ said Sassenach,
‘we’re neither Police nor Press.
It’s Royal Mail in the Midlands here,
and were in quite a mess.’
‘What on earth is this about, if not about the lad?’
The voice replied, ‘We’ve no space left,
it really is quite bad.’
‘No space left? What do you mean?;
Is this someone’s stupid joke?’
I did yell down the telephone,
my temper now quite broke.
‘I am sorry Mr Mington,
I’ve not made myself transparent,
but here is what it’s all about,
and will soon be quite apparent.
‘Just by luck, my son came back
from trip to Hollywood;
says your films are back in vogue,
in fact, they’re very good.
It’s this very same occurrence,
which has seen this thing go wrong.
and that’s why you have no fan mail,
it’s been down here all along.’
‘My son; my films? The Royal Mail?
This is quite beyond the pale;
Now either do explain yourself,
or I’ll sue you without fail!’
‘I am sorry if I’ve not been clear,
but it’s only come to light;
we have all your fan mail here,
new truckloads every night.
‘Although your films are back in vogue,
US fans don’t know,
where to send their letters,
but then someone said, ‘I know!
He’s the Pa of Leonard,
who must surely know his Dad;
I know a way to reach old Alf,
in fact he’ll be quite glad!’
‘You have all my fan mail?
Down there which is so far?’
‘Yes, good sir, that is correct,
down here in Leomington Spa.’
( License in the form of the popular/commonly used yet strictly erroneous spelling of the town's name, has been used here in order for the 'hook' to be effective).
