I Don't Feel Like I Belong

poem by: Keelan
Written on Jan 14, 2018

I heard that bravery was admitting that deep down inside of yourself you are hurting
I don’t feel very brave
Maybe it’s a ghost or just myself again torturing me with something that isn’t there
The ravens keep eyeing my captured body
But I guess I’ll just say it

I don’t feel like I belong

I am surrounded by people who love me 
I have more friends than I have had in a long time
I miss them when they are gone 
They all make me feel happy inside
I don’t think I could ever replace them
I have their backs and they have mine

I heard it stems from not believing in yourself
But I do believe a lot in myself

I believe I can make people happy
I believe I am unique 
I believe that there’s a life set out before me
I believe I can do things others can’t

I don’t feel like I belong

If it’s not inwards it’s outwards
It must be my friends and family that must make me feel this way
That’s a lie
That will maybe give me my next fix for about a week
I know it’s me that is broken
I’m used to being broken

Sometimes I lay down in my bed
I keep warm with the sheets over my body
I feel my soul sink into the depths of earth
I just feel this deep foreboding presence of hollowness
Entangled in this stupid idea that I cannot logically prove
The answer that escapes my grasp

Maybe it’s because in my nature I want to make everyone happy
And to do that I know I hide away myself
Put on the jester’s costume
Make sure they don’t weep
Make the pain go away
Because I’ve failed to do that within myself

I let myself out recently in front of someone
Someone I felt a connection with
Someone I loved
I let her see me because she was the most important thing to me
See that deep down 
I am filled with an overbearing mixture of love and happiness and terrifying sorrow

That’s when she ran
She even told me I was too much
And so I went back into hiding
Let myself live within just me

I don’t feel like I belong

I know it’s been hurting me for a long time
I know it started when I was a kid
I don’t know where to run
I don’t know where to go
The road seems endless

How do you find something that’s not there?
Why can’t I shake this off like it’s nothing?
Will there be a release?
Does anyone know?

I don’t feel like I belong

This is totally stupid
I shouldn’t be feeling this
I don’t know what is wrong with me
I don’t know why I can’t see anything
I am blind to solution

People often go to rehabilitation facilities for disorders
Maybe there is a place where I won’t feel bad for being who I am
But I know that being myself has the chance of making other people feel some sort of sorrow
And I am a tsunami waiting to wash away everything
These floodgates feel pain

Is it wrong to want to make other people happy?
I’m scared to try
I scare people away with myself
I don’t want to be alone

Life is perfect right now
I am not perfect
Perhaps that kills me
Perhaps I am nowhere

Be yourself
I’ve scared someone very important to me away by doing that
Don’t be yourself
That scares me 

I don’t feel like I belong

I don’t even feel comfortable with myself
I’m scared of what others think about me
I feel I can’t meet their expectations
I can’t meet society’s expectations

And why should I care?
Because I love people
I love everyone
I stupidly want to make them all happy and expect nothing else

I don’t feel like I belong

I could review who I am
I do review who I am
Every night
Every day

Maybe I am a masochist 
Someone who enjoys this
I don’t want your pity
Please forgive me 

I believe I have a deeper pool of emotion than the average person
I want to be effeminate
I can’t belong to a culture
I am alone

People say they have your back
I am afraid I don’t have my front
I am an open fire
Ready to be doused

I don’t feel like I belong

 

Tags: Depressing, Pain,

 

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