MY NAME IS ALFRED GARNETT

poem by: Darryl Ashton
Written on Apr 24, 2017

(With apologies to Johnny 
Speight)


My name is Alfred Garnett,
and I'm married to a silly 
moo,
'Every time I come home
from work - she tells me
what to do!'

I am a Tory supporter -
well, someone has to be - 
I keep on praising Ted
Heath - he lived at bleak
house for free!

I work very hard every
day - and I have a little
groan,
And when I was told to
work a three day week - 
oh, I really did have a
moan! 

I like to smoke my pipe
a lot - but the tobacco
costs too much - 
It is my only pleasure -
the sex is out of touch!!

We now have a new 
home help - his name 
is Marigold Winston - 
But because he's like 
a woman - I call it 
bloody treason!

He prances about in a
pinny - and he talks
in an African dialect - 
Why did the bloody 
council pick him? 
Could they not be a 
bit more select?

Now I call him Marigold - 
he's always prancing
about,
He really is an eyesore - 
he always has to shout! 

But he does know his
place - he loves his
kitchen duties,
He cooks and cleans
like a demented queen - 
and he cleans my dirty
britches!

My wife, Else, God Bless
her soul - is up in 
heaven now,
But the DHSS stopped
her pension - she's left
me skint - the cow!

I've called the social
services - they are no
bloody good,
They act just like the
DHSS - they don't pay
me like they should!   

My name is Alfred 
Garnett - and I often
have a beer - 
It is my only pleasure - 
now I've lost my, Elsie'
dear!

People say I'm a racist - 
and a bigot, and a 
whinger, 
I think they've got the
wrong person - some
said I was their saviour!!!!

I love to watch West Ham - 
(up the hammers) - and 
watch it all for nothing;
'I even used a wheelchair - 
while the stewards weren't
looking!!' 

I want to say goodbye 
to you - and I thank you
for being true,
Oh, how I miss my Elsie - 
that bloody silly moo!!    

BY
DARRYL ASHTON


 

Tags: humor,

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Frank byrne commented:
Funny poem Darryl....now he was a racist!...but very funny....

 

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