Poems and the odd joke - 4

A man-eating savage called Lou,
Was eating a clown called Tatu.
Although down to his head, Tatu he then said,
‘Do you know I’m due back on at two?’

There was a fat lady from Mull,
Who went to the zoo in Old Hull.
But she caused a great din, 
when the man locked her in,
And who said they were missing a bull.

The rare old bird called the Pelican,
Can hold more in his beak than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak, 
enough food for a week,
And I’m darned if I know how the hell he can.
(Not mine, but always liked this one; first heard it on Columbo of all things).

A turkey from Norfolk called Rowan,
He was so incredibly knowin’.
Each year come December, 
he’d always remember,
To pack up his bags and get goin’.

Oranges and lemons,
Say the bells of St. Clements.
‘Is he rabbitin’ on about fruit again?’
Said the bells of Shoreditch.

Sweeney Todd the Barber, 
he noticed he needed a shave.
He picked up his razor to do it himself;
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!!
He’s now in his grave.

Little Jack Horner sat on a tuffet,
Eating his Curds and Wey.
‘I’m in the wrong rhyme,’ says Jack all the time,
But nobody takes any notice. 

An old man has been stuck at a station,
trying to get on a train. 
Five months he has calmly stayed patient,
but still it is all much in vain.
His ticket’s not valid for peak hour,
at off-peak and weekends they’re shut,
So beware all you unwary travellers, 
you may as well travel on foot

There was a young waitress called Pip
Who took twenty plates on one trip.
But it was her first day and she dropped the lot
and made a hell of a mess,
and was sacked not long after. 

“We want more money!” demanded the Socialists
“We want to buy our own house!” said the SWP
“We want to be able to drive a better car!” said the Centre Left
The Socialists got more money.
The SWP got government backed mortgages.
The Centre Left exchanged their Fiat Uno’s for Scorpions.
And they all joined the Conservative Party.

Gerty Gertrude made a pie,
And then she made some custard.
But when she came to have a taste,
She knew that she’d used mustard.
“Waste not, want not,”, said old Gerty
“I’ll give it to my fella,”
He took one bite and left the house,
And took up with Nigella.

“NO MUSKETS, FIFES OR DRUMS
ALLOWED IN THIS CHURCH.”
“That’s put the kibosh on that then, 
Sweet Maid, sorry” said the Soldier.
“We can try the Methodists. . . .?”
said the Sweet Maid.

 

Tags: humor, rhyme,